Universal eyes "Asteroids," sees a big-budget movie

Bup, bup. Bup, bup. Bup, bup. Pew pew pew! Waawaawaawaa … booooom.

That's pretty much all there is to "Asteroids," the classic video game from Atari that my generation played endlessly in countless video arcades in the late 70s and early 80s. No back-story, no characters, and not even much of a soundtrack (unless you count the ominous "bup, bup … bup, bup").

Sounds perfect for a big summer movie, right?

You betcha, and indeed, Universal Studios—the makers of such cinematic gems this year as "Fast & Furious" and "Land of the Lost"—announced last week that it bought the movie rights for Asteroids, with "Race to Witch Mountain" scribe Matthew Lopez signed to pen the script (this according to the Hollywood Reporter).

Of course, the big question here is whether Lopez can stay true to the spirit of the original game, which I see as a allegory of the soul-crushing grind of a technological age that's spiraling out of control.

Consider the game itself, in which you and your little triangular ship blast a bunch of craggy, lumbering asteroids into smaller and smaller chunks with your phasers, darting out of their way as you do so, all while shooting down the hostile flying saucers that occasionally float by.

A simple story, sure, but rich in subtext. Ask yourself: What are the "asteroids," really? No, they're not just lumbering chunks of rock. That's life, coming out of nowhere to crush you. The asteroids just keep coming, and all your lasers, booster rockets, shields, and your little spaceship lives … well, eventually—nay, inevitably—they run out. That's dark stuff, people. I'm thinking Fincher.

In any case, no word on when we can expect "Asteroids" to crash-land onto a theater near you, although I've already got a suggestion for who should play the lead. C'mon … can you guess?

Why, The Rock, of course!

Related:
'Asteroids' lands at Universal [The Hollywood Reporter]