Is Somebody Spying on Your IM Session?

Tue Jun 27, 2006 10:31AM EDT

See Comments (55)

I'm all in favor of families setting rules about Internet use and I'm even in favor of using technology to help monitor and filter things for age-appropriateness. What I'm not in favor of is spying. Yet, I'm hearing from more and more parents who don't bat an eyelash when they talk about their obligation to spy on their kids' emails and chats.

So a queasy feeling came over me as I watched a demonstration of ChatChecker, which secretly monitors the computers in your home. ChatChecker seems like a noble effort and a worthwhile piece of technology. It's absolutely free (a premium version with more features is available for a fee) and it's developed by Imbrella, a company that really seems to care about doing the right thing.

ChatChecker works with AOL's AIM instant messenger (not AIM Express), Microsoft's MSN instant messenger, Yahoo!'s instant messenger, ICQ instant messenger, Trillian's instant messenger, GoogleTalk, and many of the third party instant messenger clients that use these protocols. MySpace IM support will be available any day.

According to the manufacturer, ChatChecker is quite impossible for a child to detect on their machine unless they're some sort of hacker-in-training. The software processes every TCP/IP packet on the PC, extracts the instant messages, and stores them on the ChatChecker website.

To use it, you download and install a piece of software on each PC you want monitored. IM conversations are stored on the ChatChecker website, or you can choose to be alerted when words you've deemed worth flagging appear in a message.

Products like ChatChecker (which, by the way, are also sold to be used in corporate environments) play an important role in providing tools to help parents make decisions about Internet use in their homes. I don't want the software to go away. I just hope that parents will, unless unusual circumstances warrant spying, let their children know that their computers are under surveillance. And I hope that Imbrella, a company with obviously good intentions would take language like "secretly records and captures your kid's IM chats" out of its promotional materials.

Grocery stores have made us comfortable with signs like "this premise is under surveillance." There's no reason why computers can't be under a watchful eye, either; just put the sign up. What do you think? Is it OK to secretly record your kids' computer conversations?

 

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  • 26 Posted by mbergwal333 on Thu Sep 3, 2009 7:12PM EDT Report Abuse

    I get the sneaking suspicion that the parents who use these tools are the same people who call up the Admissions Director at the University their child didn't get into to. They constantly hover over their children, often times to the detrement of the child. I know people say that it is to protect the child but, come on, more often than not you're just trying to "catch" them doing something they're not supposed to be doing. When did all logic go out the window? If you're worried about what your kid is doing on the internet, put the computer where the screen is in plain site of everyone, looky there....problem solved.

  • 27 Posted by joyful_lament on Thu Sep 3, 2009 4:41PM EDT Report Abuse

    I'm a teenager and sometimes I say things online to friends that I don't mean, but my parents would take very seriously. When I'm very upset/angry/moody, I have been known to want to die, however I have never attempted anything or the sort nor will I ever. I pride myself on being in that percentile of teenagers who have never done anything to physically harm themselves. However, if things I said to my friends as a form of stress relief got to my parents, I'd probably be shipped off to a therapist. Now this is just one extreme example of what could happen if my mom spied of my computer conversations. Sometimes a kid just needs their privacy to work out angst and anger and what not. Other times they may just be embarrassed about what they co-write through IM with friends. And if a teenager cannot learn to be independent of their parent's watchful eyes now, when they can still fall back on that support when they need it, how will they learn to use their independence wisely? A parent can give their child a late curfew and that child can use it responsibly or not, and if they get in trouble with an outside force [police, for example], they will have done with when they still have their parent's protection. However if a parent keeps their kids under watch 24/7, when that kid turns 18 and has freedom they will be more likely to abuse that freedom since they had never had it before and hadn't know the possible repercussions from it. They would end up screwing up when they don't have their parent's protection. I'd prefer my future kids make all their mistakes and learn how to handle freedom while I can still help them. I would hate for my child to end up in a jail cell because they were suffocated under my watchful eye for so long that they took their new found freedoms for granted. So let's be real. What's worse, a kid cursing online and talking about [but not having] sex or a kid being stifled under their parent's watchful eyes and not learn how to handle freedoms they don't have but some day will? And if your kid is talking to someone bad, just don't let them go see them. Glance at your kid's buddy list occasionally and ask them to name the people and say how they know them. That's what my mom does. She asks if I know them from school and if not, from what website. She doesn't get mad if I talk to people I don't know offline--such as other writers.

  • 28 Posted by tinkermazell on Thu Sep 3, 2009 10:10PM EDT Report Abuse

    I agree with volalum1996. It's not about trusting or not trusting your child. It's about protecting your children from predators! And yeah, let 'em know it's all being monitored for safety reasons. No need to be a sneak and a liar.

  • 29 Posted by jamesjmuir on Thu Sep 3, 2009 4:28PM EDT Report Abuse

    Hi Robin, I have a policy with my kids that my love is unconditional, but my trust is earned. I don't do anything in secret with my kids- I've made them well aware that I have a right (and in my mind, even the responsibility) to search their room or monitor their internet use at any time. However, my kids understand that this is not because I think they're bad or not trustworthy, but because it's my responsibility to protect them from others and sometiems, even from themselves. My wife and I think a little accountability is good thing, as long as it's brought in love, and the intention is for my child's good. As a parent, I can't be afraid that my child might not like me if I do something he/she doesn't like. It's my job to help them to truly understand that any "violation" of his/her privacy is just a part of parenting- helping them along the often difficult years of childhood, particularly the teenage years. Regards, Jim M. - West Chester, PA

  • 30 Posted by maeganmilo on Thu Sep 3, 2009 7:03PM EDT Report Abuse

    If you are considering spy tools and have "good kids," you need to tell them in advance about the tools and your reason for using them. If they have given you no reason to suspect the content of their IM's, and you secretly "spy" anyway, you risk losing the trust in your relationship, and trust is everything. Eventually, when something comes of a spied upon message and you call them on it, it will be obvious to them that you were spying and they will feel BETRAYED. HOWEVER, if your children are known to you as the "bad ones" and you fear for their safety, I personally would not disclose the use of spy tools. When made aware of those tools, many "troubled children" would simply devise "code words," or avoid using IM's altogether. If you fear for that child's safety, under those circumstances, I feel it actually immoral NOT to use them. Regarding use of IM spy tools in the workplace, your employer has every right to use them whether you are informed or not. If you are conducting your own personal business in a manner inappropriate for the workplace, for God's sake, do it at home, and keep it there!

  • 31 Posted by ocksman on Thu Sep 3, 2009 7:43PM EDT Report Abuse

    Luckily for me, my kids are all still young. That being said, I am from St Louis, and I'm sure most of you heard about the young lady who killed herself after her neighbor made a fake MySpace account and fooled her into believing that it was a boy that was into her. Those parents did EVERYTHING short of sitting over her shoulder 24/7. People are sick, and no matter how many precautions we take, our children are at risk. Whether its to protect our children from others, or themselves, its our duty, no, OBLIGATION, to do everything possible to make them safe. As long as they live in our homes, they live by our rules. As long as they are children, they live by our rules. Most of these rules they consider "unfair" and "mean", just like we thought of our parents. Now, its our turn. We hated it as kids, and those times were very different, and now we appreciate most all of the things OUR parents did to protect us. Do our children have the right to know we are watching and protecting them?? Yes. Do they need to know EVERYTHING, NO! The more things that I knew my parents were doing to catch me doing wrong, the harder I worked to get around it, or avoid it all together. Children NEED us to protect them til they are capable of doing it themselves. Every tool a parent has to defend their child is an asset. I will be watching my kids with every magnifying glass, surveillance camera, key logger, and chat monitor I can find, because I can guarantee you that the sickos will be doing everything they can to get to them. It is my obligation as a parent to protect them, and I accept that responsibility.

  • 32 Posted by steve_swny on Thu Sep 3, 2009 9:43PM EDT Report Abuse

    i dont beleave its spying its called protecting..you dont know who there talking to..wish i would have had it my 14 yr old ran away and it was talked through chatt so i could have saved alot of problems..steve

  • 34 Posted by 1shuiss@sbcglobal.net on Thu Sep 3, 2009 2:42PM EDT Report Abuse

    You should be able to trust your kids, But we were kids, How many of us lied to our parents, How many of us got away with things we shouldn't of, Now a days, things are getting worst, If we can stop one kid from killing someone or just from hurting another, Then we should have that right, Als what about all of those pedifiels out there tring to get to our kids. We should also have the right to keep them safe. Thank you, Steve

  • 35 Posted by allisond63@sbcglobal.net on Thu Sep 3, 2009 2:51PM EDT Report Abuse

    I think it's wrong to spy on your kids in their private life. Because thats showing them that you don't trust them. Spying on your kids conversations is kind of like following your kid on a date. You need to give them space. Now I'm not saying let them do whatever they want-because that wouldn't be good parenting. I'm just saying that you should give them space to show that you trust them.

  • 37 Posted by gibsonaxeofgods@sbcglobal.net on Thu Sep 3, 2009 4:08PM EDT Report Abuse

    Has anyone heard of the freedom of speech. Young or old it's our right as americans . If you can't trust your kids then you failed as a parent. Yes , bad people are out there. But rather than spying on your child , isnt it always better to talk to them and teach them about the world they will so soon be living in on their own.

  • 38 Posted by shp13@sbcglobal.net on Thu Sep 3, 2009 9:21PM EDT Report Abuse

    Why is it so unheard of to monitor what your kids are doing?! While reading every single message gets overbearing, and I don't beleive in doing it without notice, however, many of the problems we have today with kids relate to LACK of parental involvement. If more kids & teens knew their parents periodically checked their Myspace or facebook pages, do you think there would be such frequent promotion of drugs and alcohol on their pages? If more parents saw their kids friends' pages, would they be encouraging the friendship/s with the kids with marijuana leaves all over their page? Would as many kids get away with Cyber-bullying? (Even some overall very 'nice' kids have been found to be horribly mean online with the relative anonimity avaialble to hide behind.) Just as parents needs to check WHERE their kids are going (in the real world), and WHO they are hanging out with, and if the parents are home where the kids are going, parents need to be aware of what their children are doing online, and teach appropriate skills along with it. Another strategy supported by experts? Keeping computers in 'public' areas of hte home (ie living room or rec room where others travel through). How many let their children have all the privacy in the world behind closed (locked?!) bedroom doors? Would you let them wander around an unknown city alone? Banning a kid from using the internet (or IM's etc) doesn't teach them the skills they need to be safe in our technological society. We need to be a part of guiding what they learn. ~parent of a young teen & a professional workign with teens

  • 39 Posted by summer_gurlie713 on Thu Sep 3, 2009 9:47PM EDT Report Abuse

    Okey, seriously. I'm 14 years old and I IM online all the time. Somebody reading everything im telling my friends without telling me seems just as bad as me sticking a video camera in my parents bed room. I don't do or say anything online that I don't in front of my parents and all putting that software on my computer is going to do is make me stop using IM and start using something else.

  • 40 Posted by shp13@sbcglobal.net on Thu Sep 3, 2009 9:21PM EDT Report Abuse

    I sure hope what you're doing online isn't comparable to what your parents do in the privacy of their bedroom! :-) (PS I do agree that reading everything you say to your friends online without telling you isn't right except in circumstances that are more dire (ie kids doing high risk things and perhaps great at getting around rules as noted by someone above.) Checking in on what you are doing online? Different story.

  • 42 Posted by doggielovr93@sbcglobal.net on Thu Sep 3, 2009 3:46PM EDT Report Abuse

    Absolutly not. That is a total invasion of privacy. I'm sure parents say, "There is no privacy until you are 18". But I beg to differ. If children want their parents to know about their personal life, they will talk to them. Parents should not need to spy on their children, but instead develop a friendly relationship with them so that the kids know that they can talk to them about anything, just like their friends.

  • 43 Posted by lindalw59@verizon.net on Sun Feb 3, 2008 2:41PM EST Report Abuse

    Its our job to lead, guide and protect our children. They are not as old as they think they are. We must be able to know whats behind the seens. How many times have we heard "I had no idea my kid was doing that." If we dont keep an eye on them we are creating the possibility for disaster. No we should not have to use things like chatchecker but we also need to protect our children from outside influences whether it is using chatchecker, recording phone calls, making video tapes when we arent at home or going where they are to make sure all is well. Being naieve is not good parenting.

  • 44 Posted by carolyn.crawford on Thu Sep 3, 2009 3:18PM EDT Report Abuse

    No, I don't believe spying on IM's is acceptable. If a parent feels like that is the only way they can monitor their child's online interaction, then maybe they need to have a serious conversation with their child about any concerns they have in regards to IMs. Perhaps putting the computer in a common location in the house would help, as well as preapproving who the child adds to their contact list would be a better option. Using computer software to babysit a child isn't really productive, doesn't show respect for their privacy, and is in no way a substitute for parental supervision and guidance.

  • 45 Posted by konstantina.s@verizon.net on Thu Sep 3, 2009 4:53PM EDT Report Abuse

    if you have a problem with IMing. Yahoo Messenger doesn't allow kids under 18 years old, to go into chatrooms. They can only IM with the people on their buddy list.

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